I suppose I should be giving thanks for what I have here and not be dwelling on what or rather who is not here.  There is a wonderful person fairly recently in my life, he has brought sunshine , and happiness, laughter , love and so much more, yet he is so far away and we are not able to be thankful for this together and that makes me sad.  That I guess is life, bring something wonderful and hold it just out of your reach , rather cruel. I have hope and I have trust , that there will be together time soon, don’t have to have Thanksgiving to be thankful . He is worth the wait. Just looking forward to the waiting time being behind us.

So there now that is said the things to be thankful for are the regular you know , family , friends, my dog, my computer lol  etc.

Happy Thanksgiving all

Oh and hey Santa , Early request, I been a good girl mostly . Can you make room on your sleigh and bring that special gent home to me before Yule?

I  lost a good friend and neighbor today  Roland.  He was so good to my husband and I . He and his wife, but he would make soup for my hubby and when he could eat nothing else he would eat Roland’s soup , and if he made clams he would bring us some, and bring Bill a huge cup of the broth because he knew that he loved that more then the clams themselves.

When I was running back and forth to the hospital in the final months, he would give me a ride sometime but also they would be handing me a cup of fruit smoothie they had made , because knew I was over tired and not eating, when I’d go by there would be handing me smoothies.

The day my husband died it was Roland that came over gave me a hug and kiss on the head like a grandfather would do, and I guess I sort of thought of him as like having an extra pepere again.  He would say to me things in french and  laugh this great big laugh , he knew I understood what he said . He had a great laugh and if he was in the hall or the community area you knew it because of that , he lived , laughed and loved large in life.

When I first learned that he was on hospice, I waited a day or two to go see him. I knew he was very social and wasn’t able to get out much, it taxed his strength so much.  So I went to visit and gave him a hug, made him happy . I also asked him if he would like to use Bill’s scooter chair and so I brought over to him. He got into it and shot up the hallway no problem at all . Then he was able to enjoy getting out in the hallway , going to play cards again and have a little freedom. I only wish that he had more time to have enjoyed that chair.

He told me the two days ago that I had no idea how much he was loving that chair and how much it really meant to him, he was happily zooming off down the hallway in it. Now he is gone,  and I was so glad to have brought him some fun and mobility in his final days.

RIP Roland  I will miss your great big laugh.

Going to have dinner with a friend and see if that friendship can be renewed. We have only talked here and there in over a year but it is time to try and renew it,we were friends many years and both went through so much in a space of time that the way was lost. Hoping to reconnect . No one can afford to loose friends in this insane world we all live in.

More later…..

When you love someone that is so far away it is so difficult to not hurt. A million ways to communicate now a days and it is often so inadequate to get across what you mean/feel. It looses something not being able to see and hear what is there, you can only trust in your connection and in time understand what was unable to be communicated.
My understanding now goes out to anyone with deployed loved ones.

The Doctor: You two! We’re at the end of the Universe. Right at the edge of knowledge itself. And you’re busy blogging!

A man is keeping me awake, can’t sleep , so near and yet so far. Something wonderful, maybe.
He has the most amazing eyes even just in pictures. I could melt in eyes like that . I could wake up in the morning look in his eyes and know that no matter what the world brought on for that day coming back to look in those eyes I would feel happy secure, and safe at the end of the day, on the other hand he could give me a look while standing in Walmart and I would want to strip him naked right there. Can’t say it is not mutual. Not my fault he has to sleep on his back or side these days to keep from making a dent in the mattress…hee hee.
What the heck is that? I have not run into that before, it is like having a look inside someone and seeing a soul and a heart.
He is also very sensual and erotic and for that reason just a thought or a dream of him has me flustered and wide awake again. So I feel like the doctor’s companions here I am out on the end of the universe, things going on and all I can do is blog about it for now and wait and see what adventure happens next.

Today would have been my 18th wedding anniversary. It is the second one since my husband passed. I thought after the first one the second wouldn’t be quite so bad so I have heard it gets a little better, but I guess it came so quickly the first year around I was too numb to know it.
Now there has been this fine gent that I met and things were going well and then stuff started hitting me as my husband’s birthday and now our anniversary came around. I did not expect the emotions to be so hard this time around, and I did not expect the emotions for this new gent to be so intense. Overload and massive confusion and I have said things to my friend that I should have not said hurtful stuff , that is coming out of comments made by so called friends , my own confused emotions and frustrations. Over this past year I have been told to speak what I am feeling so that I can deal with the emotions of grief and such and get on with it. I have not learned to censor the feelings and expressing what they are because some I can not put into words and they come out wrong and hurtful or totally not what I mean at all.I have done that recently with my gentleman friend and been mean and hurtful to him and I just don’t know how much more he can take of this roller coaster ride that I am on these past few weeks, and because of that I may have put a wedge between us that will take work to clear up or not at all., I have done this for few days now and I am so mad at myself for being so stupid.
I am also pissed at my husband for dying and leaving me to deal with this dating stuff. Makes no sense he had no choice, but now I am so confused I am mad at him.
For a day that was once the happiest day it’s a miserable bitch of a day now.

When I am happy I post , when I am sad I post , and so here I sit again. There has been so much negativity put on me by a certain few people about this new relationship that really hasn’t gotten to where it should because of other complications. I am so lost I can not think straight and I can not even articulate what I am thinking.
Things seemed to be going so well, met a lovely gent and we hit it off . Well shared with a friend and she made me miserable. Doubt myself , doubt him and doubt everything about everything. All that sits around me now is sadness and negativity because of this. With that happening I went stupid and said things to this man that should not have been said. I am so confused. I can’t think . I know what I want but can’t even put that into words right now , and in the process of all this have quite likely thrown everything away because of it. Too much too soon , too stupid to know I just don’t know.

I believe I have tossed away a beautiful dream , because I have let some others crap trapped minds poison mine. Wait and see

We are still in the aftermath of that crazy storm. Trees and power lines down, loads of people without power. Schools and streets closed it is completely mad. My friends are without power and are spending the night here to keep warm. No idea how long they will be powerless.
One section of town looks like a tornado wires were twisted around trees and trees wrapped around themselves.
It’s crazy to have this so soon. Broke records and all. Some places they are saying it will be days before they get power back.

Halloween trick on us omg. What a night, and still very windy with power on and off , happy to have my heat and internet.

  What a crazy storm last night , trees snapping all night , power going off , no heat . cell phone having trouble to text . And a fire alarm at 5:30 a.m.